How to stay in love the rest of your life.

How to stay in love the rest of your life.by Rabbi Dov Heller, M.A.

Intimacy is primarily about how two people make each other feel. If you consistently make each other feel good, then you feel close to each other. If you consistently make each other feel bad, you feel distant from each other.

There are thousands of books written on the psychology of intimacy and love. The Torah provides a profoundly simple formula for creating and maintaining intimacy based on the premise that emotional intimacy depends upon how well you handle negative or troubling feelings. The formula of which I speak is found in the book of Leviticus 19:16-19. There are seven commandments which follow one another in quick succession. Contained in these verses are fundamental psychological principles about how to stay in love for the rest of your life.

 

As you study this formula, rate yourself and your partner on each principle on a scale from 1-10. 1=Failing miserably. 10=Consistently excellent

1. “YOU SHALL NOT BE A TALE BEARER AMONG YOUR PEOPLE.”
Principle A: Strong boundaries are necessary to protect intimate relationships.

This commandment warns us against telling someone what someone else said about him or her, if sharing this information will hurt the person or cause any kind of harm. One underlying principle here is about setting boundaries in order to protect your relationship. Every relationship needs to be protected from outside influences that might harm it. You must carefully watch what you say to others about your spouse.

As a general rule, I tell married couples that any problems in your marriage should never be shared with anyone outside the relationship unless you have permission from your spouse to do so. This is one aspect of setting good boundaries.

A common fatal mistake in this regard is when married couples share their problems with family members. Parents and in-laws need to be kept out of your marriage. Parents must respect your privacy and if they don’t, need to be told to stay out. Once you’re married, your spouse is your number one priority.

 

Principle B: Carefully watch every word you say to others.

We are never permitted to hurt anyone with our words. This is a simple idea, with very profound consequences. We are always responsible for what we say to another person, especially our spouse! Yet, we see how careless and lazy so many couples are with their words.

 

It is never right to call your spouse names, curse at her, or even raise your voice to her, if it will scare or intimidate her. Imagine how much greater their love would be if every couple followed just this one guideline. Every word you say to each other has either a positive or negative impact on how you feel. If you want to be in love forever, you must constantly monitor and control the way you talk to each other. There is no such thing as “down time” in a marriage; every interaction matters. Every word you speak to each other will either bring you closer or push you further apart. Rate yourself on a scale of 1-10.

2. “YOU SHALL NOT STAND IDLY BY THE BLOOD OF YOUR NEIGHBOR.”
Principle: Do not dismiss another person’s emotional pain.

 

How do you respond to your spouse when he or she is in pain or in a bad mood? Do you get upset and intolerant or do you listen with patience? Most of us don’t like it when our partner is in a bad mood. In fact, sometimes we even resent it.

 

Frequently our bad moods are an expression of emotional pain. I suggest you try to see them as a cry for help. When I’m in a bad mood, what I’m really saying is, “I’m in pain and need you to understand and support me.” This commandment tells us that it is an obligation to be sensitive to other people’s pain and certainly not cause them more pain if they’re already in pain.

It is never acceptable to dismiss or attack someone who is in pain, let alone your spouse! How many times has your spouse said to you, “Just get over it already.” This is not only insensitive, it’s cruel.

One of the deepest needs of a human being is to be understood. When we dismiss our spouse’s pain, we are very far from providing a nurturing experience of being understood. Every time we reject our spouse’s pain and don’t take the time to understand him or her, we are missing a great opportunity to create more closeness. One of the greatest acts of kindness that a person can do for another is to listen without judgment. Rate yourself on a scale from 1-10.

3. “YOU SHALL NOT HATE YOUR FRIEND IN YOUR HEART.”
Principle: Don’t dismiss or deny bad feelings. You are responsible to process and resolve your bad feelings about others.

 

The Biblical commentators point out that the power of this commandment lies in the words, “in your heart.” The implication is that it’s normal to have bad feelings, even feelings of hatred. Only Mr. Spock never has bad feelings towards others. Unfortunately, many people who grew up in emotionally unhealthy homes don’t give themselves permission to feel their bad feelings, or for that matter, even their good feelings. Some people actually believe that highly evolved people don’t ever experience bad feelings.

This is not the Judaism’s view of human emotion. The Torah assumes we will have bad feelings towards others, and the key is not to hold onto them and let them stew in your heart. The problem isn’t having bad feelings; it’s not being able to manage them effectively! And the prerequisite for managing feelings effectively is the necessity of being emotionally honest with yourself.

We all occasionally have bad feelings towards our spouse. But bad feelings that are not understood and resolved become toxic and destructive. They must be dealt with and understood.

Beating yourself up, feeling guilty or blaming others are ways to avoid taking responsibility for your feelings. There are four ways you can explore and resolve your negative feelings. Work them through yourself, speak to a friend, or discuss them with your partner. And if the bad feelings persist, talk with a professional.

 

One of the challenges of staying in love is learning from and resolving your negative feelings towards your spouse. Rate yourself on a scale from 1-10.

4. “YOU SHALL CERTAINLY REBUKE YOUR NEIGHBOR.”
Principle A: When someone hurts you, communicate with him about how you feel.

 

We are not permitted to dismiss people from our lives because they hurt us. Judaism requires that we communicate with those who hurt us and try to repair the relationship by communicating openly and honestly. In marriage, good communication is about telling my spouse how you feel in order to repair breakdowns in the relationship.

 

Principle B: In order to communicate, you must feel safe.

In order to talk about your feelings with your spouse, he or she must be receptive to listening and allowing you to express how you feel without judgment, ridicule, or criticism. Creating a safe space for sharing your feelings is a necessary prerequisite for open and honest communication. How safe do you feel with your spouse? And how safe do you make your spouse feel? Rate yourself on a scale from 1-10.

5. “YOU SHALL NOT BEAR SIN BECAUSE OF HIM.”
Principle: Communicating how you feel does not give you license to shame your spouse, make him feel guilty, or abuse him.

 

Rashi, the famous Biblical commentator, interprets this commandment as a prohibition against shaming another person when telling them how we feel. Shame is one of the most painful feelings a person can experience. This is why Judaism compares it to spilling one’s blood.

 

There are three communication styles. Some people never tell their spouse how they really feel. This is the passive style, which only results in much suffering and distancing. Of course, sometimes the reason why a spouse chooses not to communicate his or her feelings is because they are afraid of how their spouse will react. This is why it is essential that couples learn how to create a safe space for each other. If you don’t feel safe with your spouse, you will never tell her how you really feel.

 

The other unacceptable communication style is aggressive. Aggressive people only know how to yell and be angry in order to get their feelings out. This is obviously not effective and in many cases is abusive.

 

The style that works is assertive. Assertive communication means you can tell your spouse how you feel without provocation. Assertive communication gives you the opportunity to be heard and understood. The most you can do is express your feelings honestly and respectively to your spouse. He or she may choose to listen or may choose not to, but at least you did your part by expressing yourself assertively.

 

One of the most important relationship skills that couples must have in order to succeed is what Dr. Jon Gottman calls the ability “to repair breakdowns.” Assertive communication is the essential tool needed in order to repair breakdowns. A breakdown is considered repaired when no resentment, anger or other bad feelings remain. This implies that repair means the conflict is 100 percent repaired. Ninety percent is not good enough. If you have 50 fights and repair each one 90 percent, you are left with ten percent resentment multiplied by 50. Those little amounts of resentment add up quickly! When resentment or any bad feeling lingers, the relationship weakens and love disintegrates. The “issue” is rarely the problem. The communication about the issue is the real problem! Lasting love is built on assertive communication. Rate yourself on a scale from 1-10.

6. “DON’T TAKE REVENGE OR BEAR A GRUDGE.”
Principle: If you don’t finish all “old business,” you will continue to hurt each other.

 

Unfortunately, too many couples don’t repair their breakdowns 100 percent and as a result build up scores of toxic feelings and unresolved issues that are never brought to closure. When old wounds are not fully healed, they become infected and love begins to fade. This commandment tells us two ways that people try to hurt the one who hurt them: taking revenge and bearing a grudge.

 

Taking revenge in marriage means “getting even” or getting back at your spouse. This may look like withholding help or pleasure from your spouse such as intimacy, affection, or any kindness. How often do couples give each other the silent treatment, withdraw or attack the other with accusations or complaints? These are all forms of taking revenge and will obviously extinguish the flames of love.

 

Bearing a grudge is the other way we try to hurt back. We are bearing a grudge when we say to our spouse, “Okay I’ll help you this time, but don’t think you can get away with what you did to me again!” Or, “I’ll help you, because I don’t want to stoop to your level.” Rate yourself on a scale from 1-10.

 

7. “LOVE YOUR NEIGHBOR AS YOURSELF.”
Principle: When we resolve our bad feelings towards others, we create a space for love.

 

The fact that the commandment of love comes last in the series indicates the truth of this principle: love and intimacy cannot flourish and grow in an atmosphere of negative feelings. Bad feelings must me confronted and resolved if you want to stay in love the rest of your life. It’s always easier to ignore our feelings or try to rationalize them away. But this approach never works! The difficult road — and ultimately the only road — is to acknowledge and understand our troubling feelings and take responsibility to work on them. You must make a commitment to be emotionally honest with yourself and your spouse. If you don’t feel the love you want to feel, it is because you and/or your spouse are holding on to bad feelings that have not been dealt with effectively

 

http://www.aish.com/f/m/48943661.html

If Only Dreams Came True

““Dreams do come true, if we only wish hard enough.You can have anything in life if you will sacrifice everything else for it.”

James Matthew Barrie quotes

If Only Dreams Came True
To: Brian ~ From: Fire

Dear Brian,

We’ve been friends for so long. There have been lots of tears and so much laughter between us. I feel closer to you than anyone else. I’ve listened and hurt every time you fell in love, longing to be the one in your arms. I’ve been there for you when every one of your relationships fell apart. You listened and cried with me when we found out about the cancer and you stood by my side through all of it. Now is the time to tell you that the waiting is over.

The love you so desperately seek is here in my arms. You’ve often asked why I’m not interested in any of the men who hit on me when we’re all out. I’ve always told you they weren’t the one for me. Now I’m telling you that you are the one for me. You’re the one I dream about. No one can make me laugh like you, even when I’m knee deep in tears. The reason I’ve been alone for five longs years is this: I’ve been waiting for you to see the love in my eyes that’s only for you. I’ll wait forever if that’s how long it takes. I need you. I miss you when you’re gone, and I hurt when you’re sad. I love you, Brian, for everything you are.

Love Always,

Fire

via http://www.lovingyou.com/content/inspiration/loveletters-content.php?ID=887

Prescription for a Broken Heart

Love Advice from Love-Sessions

Being heartbroken is a pain that no one can understand until they have experienced it for themselves. You obviously have, therefore are aware of how fragile your heart is right now. Healing a broken heart will take time, but is not impossible, though it may feel that way at the time. It is never an easy process to go through, but with the right prescription, you will be on your way to recovery and happiness again.

The first thing you should keep in mind is that it is okay to feel sad and grieve about what happened and that you are not stupid for doing so. It is perfectly normal to feel sad and cry after a break up. You have invested most of your time and all of your love and interest into your ex-partner; therefore will go through a sad and painful withdrawal. It is notable that you not grieve all on your own. Sure, there will be times when you will just want to be alone and undisturbed. However, it is important that you talk to your friends and family about it. Talking about it is not only healthy, but will mend your heart quicker because you will release the thoughts and facts that are hurting you so much. Seeking professional advice will be a great help to you as well because your mind will open up and see new perspectives and understandings of what happened. It will help you gather your strength, pick yourself up, and find the happiness you deserve to have.

Accepting the fact that you and your ex-partner are no longer together is a necessity if you are going to start mending your broken heart. If you catch yourself unable to function due to constantly thinking about your ex or repeatedly calling or visiting him or her for another chance, then chances are you are suffering from love addiction and should seek counseling. Discontinuing a serious relationship is emotionally challenging and can drive you to do things that are unhealthy for your self-being. To avoid entering such hazardous areas, keep yourself occupied. Go out with your friends and family to help get your mind off the break up. It is best to spend as less time alone as you can in the first few weeks of your breakup so that your emotions can slowly and patiently form back into their normal pattern.

Fight the thoughts that tell you that you are a failure and are to blame for the end of your relationship. When a relationship ends it means that the two of you were no longer compatible and that always takes two, not just you. Instead of beating yourself up over what has transpired, examine your ex-relationship by listing the things you enjoyed most about it and then the things that disappointed you and what you believe really caused the breakup. Look at the relationship as a learning experience and an opportunity to improve your relationship skills, and a way to realize what you truly need and want from a romantic relationship.

Continue Article: Prescription for a Broken Heart

Accept the fact that other people express love differently

Accept the fact that other people express love differently. How do you express love? You say “I Love You” three times a day . You kiss and embrace as often as you can. You never forget anniversaries. You always prepare his favorite dishes. How does he express love? He rarely says ” I love you”. He seldom kiss you. He forgets your birthday. But he works overtime, He probably loves you more than you can imagine. He just shows it differently. If you can accept that then you can just have a healtier perspective of your relationship.

“It is easy to find love but not easy to find true love”.

“It is easy to find love but not easy to find true love”. I am not expert in finding true love but for me love is a special feeling that should everybody feel. We cannot say or cannot feel the real essence of true love. For me , true love is something that we need to work on whether to special someone or to a family. I cannot say it but only action can tell… we love…we hurt… and we continue to love…again and again…meet new friends……..express friendship……commitment…..only god will give us the way and will give us true love……to be continued..

I didnt understand what unconditional love is all about.”Love is one of th most powerful forces in theuniverse. It is the fire that burns inside, the essence of being. It is a precious gift that defines our purpose in life. If we keep in mind that we can indeed preserve its true meaning, we can love to the fullest and be truly happy.”

Love without expecting anything in return.

Pain comes in when you demand something in return for the love you give. You are setting yourself up for dissapointment because love cannot always be reciprocal. Love between two people can never be of the same intensity at the same time and place. No matter how much your partners love you, she will never be able to fill all your needs all the time. And you will be waiting in misery forever, if you believe you should love only when you are sure to receive equal love in return.

LOVE is the greatest feeling

Have you been in love? Is love a greatest feeling of all. This is not easy to answer if you don,t experience to be in be love and to fall in love with greatest feeling. It is the greatest feeling that you didn’t asked anything in returned. It is a feeling of its own, go away from others. To me, it is the most beautiful thing in the world and my greatest joy. For me, love is wonderful feeling that we need to experience, not just in the relationship but someone that is close to you. And to someone that give trust and understanding to you.

Have you been in love?
Based on my own experience, I feel to fall in love with someone and to fall out of love without being known. I experience to have in a relationship and we enjoy the happy moments, sharing each other opinion and even telling our future. And even telling our whole life as partners. But before you experience in having a relationship , you should be in the stage of getting to know each other.
What are the steps to know each other in a relationship?
If you are in the step of getting to know to each other. Both partners has physical attraction to each other . Sometimes we are eager to know the personal details of a person including the likes and dislikes. We are eager to win the heart of a person you like. As a person in love , we should know the qualities of a person and even the total personality. You doesn’t matter if what is his way of living or whether what kind of person he is. I believe that eye’s can see what is within the inner being of a person. We should understand the strength and the weakness of a person. The strength that makes him a stronger person and look him as a person that to be like able. You should visit him and have communication and should know the person that close to him. I believe that being patient and also there for him is the possible way to win the heart of a person and possible get into a relationship. But if you want to get in a commitment you should feel love in a person and understand that way he is. It is the greatest feeling that no one can change and break it. But sometimes conflict or negative feeling comes. Well, you wont find love in a relationship if you have feeling of guilt ,dishonesty and conflict. All this three is the negative feeling when we are starting to hate someone. But this feeling can be healed if you believe that someone is with you and understand why it is happen to you. Love can be heal in several ways and can change if you accept that you not meant to each other. Is LOVE a greatest feeling for you? I believe that love is greatest feeling. For me, that you shouldn’t find love, it just come and feel that you are in heavenliness. It is the feeling that you cannot expect. LOVE is supposed to be a beautiful feeling with lots of happy thoughts developing from the heart and LOVE with the greatest element of all being love. What is love for you? LOVE can feel in several way. LOVE is not a feeling or an attraction. It is a choice. It is the things you learn about one another you must measure whether or not you can live with those things. Are the character in this person that you are looking for in a person? Is there enough in them that you like and appreciate for you to make a choice to love them for the rest of your life? See, LOVE is a word to remember. It is something you choice to do. It is something you make a commitment to do in good times and bad. In other words you are deciding after everything that you have seen that you can still love the person inside.
I believe that LOVE is a CHOICE. You make up your own mind on how you see things and you act on it. LOVE is the greatest energy on this Earth. People will move far for it, and even die for LOVE.
The power of falling in LOVE is everlasting and that fall in LOVE is everything and falling in LOVE is the greatest feeling of all. LOVE is one of the greatest feelings one can have in life .

Love Poems

Power of Dream

When you hear the word DREAM?
What comes in your mind?
Everyone of us, has its own meaning
But for me, it’s a special one
Dreams is the things that go beyond to the future; it is in your mind making something new to the future.
It is something that we want to pursue or to achieve for the future.
What is your dream? Everyone of us has a dream….What it is?

…It may happen or it just a dream

..asking yourself…see the world that full of dream..creating it and building it by the future generation….
Generation that see the future, creating it and making the world a better place to live in.

Dreams that has full of imagination..see it..to yourself because you are the one to do it…
Do it in the best effort..in the key to success..what it is? Your family that gives underst
anding and care..and most of all…the power of a dream..is PRAYER..and God up above is the
key to success..!!!

Late Bloomer INLOVE

In my early age, I experienced to be inlove and to fall in love . Its natural for us to experience the feel of being inlove. I experienced to be with someone you love and enjoying the happy moments, sharing each other happiness,sadness and telling each other future. And yet, the time changed we need to prioritize what we want to achieved in the future. But for days past, we are starting to forget to be fall in love because of our priority in life. We have career that need to work on and family that need to suppport. But Im starting to think about my future. Do I’m a late bloomer that looking for lost love? But as a late bloomer, I still believed that you dont need to look for love but love will close you and experience to feel it but at a right time at a right person. I dont mind of being a late bloomer, as long as you enjoy yourself and being happy is the most way to do. Love will give you the way and God will give your destiny to want they want you in your life.

  • Calendar

    • September 2021
      M T W T F S S
       12345
      6789101112
      13141516171819
      20212223242526
      27282930  
  • Search